A common belief that some of us have is that we must be true to our partner and our relationship before we are true to ourselves. Many people “lose themselves” in relationships, and this is the very reason why. The people with the most happy and fulfilling relationships are the ones who know and love themselves and don’t sacrifice their needs and desires for the sake of the other. Many of us were brought up with this idea that it’s noble and good to sacrifice one’s own needs for the happiness of the other person. There is a lot of pressure on women that, in order to be a “good wife/mother” she must be selfless. This couldn’t be further from the truth, and you only have to look at the faces of women who have been doing this for years to see the pain, resentment and often “downtrodden-ness” that grows. Not only this, but her partner doesn’t grow and takes her “for granted”, let alone the children who also learn to take and expect their needs and problems to be solved by Mum on a regular basis. Being selfless is negating yourself; it’s telling the Universe and everyone around you that you don’t feel you matter – so the Universe sends you more experiences that negate you and tell you that you don’t matter.
Putting yourself and your needs first isn’t selfishness. In fact, it’s the opposite. The more you take care of your own needs, the less insecure and demanding you will be in a relationship. Selfishness is expecting others to go out of their way for you.
I am all for loving and supportive relationships. It is a wonderful thing to love and give to another and to want to make their life better, but this should only ever be done when it’s not at cost to oneself! The most important relationship we have is the relationship with ourselves. When we love and respect ourselves, we will attract into our life people who love and respect us, and we will be willing to flick anyone who doesn’t love and respect us in a healthy way. We’ll also have healthy boundaries and won’t compromise our values for anybody. When we have low self-worth and feel we are not enough, we will act out this belief by feeling we must give far more than is necessary so as to be loved, and we allow our boundaries to be walked all over. We’re also more likely to attract a partner who demands and takes, and gives little in return.
When we know ourselves, and love and respect ourselves, we begin to make choices that are in our highest good. And guess what? When we make choices in our highest good, they are automatically in everyone else’s highest good. A person who wants to be the very best version of themself will be an inspiring partner and parent. Someone who loves themself and is living life to their full potential is going to attract a similar person, and when this happens, POW! There is exponential synergy!
Shakespeare told us:
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
So if you’re not already, start a love affair with yourself, get to know yourself and what you value and live by these values. This is your framework for your life, and if a potential partner appears, or a current partner challenges you, stay in your framework! If they respect the framework, then you’re on a good thing.