It’s totally normal and natural to desire a partner, and at the same time it’s important to focus on having a healthy and loving relationship with yourself. The relationship you have with yourself is the foundation from which you manifest a relationship, so do not underestimate the value of self-love and self-acceptance. At the end of the day, what I have found even when you’re in a relationship, is that always the journey leads us back to ourselves and being able to love and nurture ourselves. Even the most loving partner won’t always be there for us; they will have bad days, and so being able to be there for ourselves as a loving presence is essential throughout life. Whatever we seek outside of ourselves we must find within too. So here are five truths that may help you on your journey to finding love:
1. Your level of self-love and self-worth will directly affect the level of love you are capable of receiving.
This is the Law of Attraction – as within, so without. If you find yourself feeling lonely, sit with loneliness.The best cure for loneliness is solitude. Learn to be there for yourself. Notice how often you seek love, attention, company or soothing outside of yourself in the form of not being able to be alone,or the need for someone else to make you feel loved and approved of. Become aware of your addictions – whether it’s alcohol, drugs, sugar, chocolate, shopping, gambling. Being single is a perfect time to focus on you and your relationship with yourself, and to get to really know and understand yourself, learning to fill yourself up with love and approval and to become your own best friend.
If you want to deepen into greater self-love, refer to my blog Why Is It So Hard to Love Myself?
2. What you BELIEVE about love will directly affect how likely you are to find it
Don’t buy into the beliefs of the mass consciousness. Some examples of these beliefs are “There’s no good men/women out there”, “All the good ones are taken”, “It’s hard to find the right person”. You’d be surprised how easily we take on these beliefs – from our friends, our family and the media. Whatever we believe we create – so when we believe these sorts of beliefs, we actually create that reality, thereby reinforcing that belief. These beliefs are based on fear and lack, and are therefore NOT the truth! Thoughts based on love and abundance are the truth! So to turn these beliefs around you can say the following affirmations:
There are plenty of good single people out there
There are good people who are available
I will find the right partner with grace and ease.
3. Take responsibility for your past and address any negative patterns you may have
Remember that every relationship story is 50/50. Sure he or she may have been difficult or abusive, but difficult or abusive people hook up with people who have issues too. For example, a narcissistic person will usually desire a person who gives too much, who wants to please or rescue. It’s a good idea to do an inventory of your past relationships. Notice if there’s anyone you haven’t forgiven, and begin the process of forgiveness. Why? Because unforgiveness will stop the good from coming to you AND whoever and whatever we haven’t forgiven in the past will be sent to us again in the form of another person or situation until we finally understand the lesson and then forgive the other person/people and ourselves. So to begin the healing process, with every past relationship you need to ask the questions:
What was that person showing me that I need to heal in myself?
What would I do differently next time?
Forgiveness is not condoning the other person’s behaviour; it’s consciously choosing to let go of any toxic emotions you are holding that are damaging YOU, not the other person. And you’ve also got to forgive yourself. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do when you’ve been deeply hurt or betrayed. In these circumstances, I believe that true forgiveness is only possible with the help of Divine Source. To begin the process of forgiveness, say the following prayer to the Universe:
I surrender to You my inability to forgive (name the person)
Please fill me with Your light
And release me from all wounding, resentment and vengeance.
And bring me to a place where all is peace and love.
You may want to read my blog on The Ten Impostors to Love to understand your negative life patterns around love, and if you are trying to heal from a toxic relationship, you may want to read my blog How to Heal From a Toxic Relationship.
4. Clarify What You Want
through experiencing the things you don’t want, you have much greater clarity on what you do want. Make a wish list of the qualities you want in a partner – when you make this list, focus more on values and character, as opposed to personality and what you have in common. If you focus on values and character, you are building from a strong foundation. And once you’ve made the list, run it by your own values and qualities. For example, if you want to have a partner who is abundant and financially stable, ask yourself “How abundant and financially stable am I?” If you desire a partner who is confident, look at your own level of self-confidence. In this way, you ensure that you are not looking for a mate who’s going to make up for your own shortcomings. That’s not what a partner is for! A life partner is here to love you and support you emotionally. If you realise that you’re wanting someone to make up for your shortcomings, decide to work on those areas within you. I strongly advise anyone to work on purpose, abundance and creating a beautiful life for themselves, irrespective of whether they have a partner.
Let go of the idea that a partner is going to rescue you or completely fulfill you. No one person will ever fulfill all our needs and nor should they. We’re now in the Age of Aquarius, and it’s not going to happen! The Age of Aquarius is bringing about a paradigm shift – it’s all about being an individual and becoming whole, and no longer depending on a partner or anyone else.
Also be aware that your wish list for a partner may not necessarily be in your highest good – the Universe knows far better than you do who is divinely right for you, so don’t be totally rigid with finding someone who lives up to all your desires.
Once you make your list, surrender it to the Universe, knowing that the Divine Intelligence knows far better than you do who will truly be in your highest good!
5. Make Wise Choices in the Now
Become aware of not repeating old patterns. Learn to be happy, present and true to yourself. Imagine if you were to never meet your ideal partner. What would you do then? How would you create a life you love? Start being that person now. Do the things you love and that nurture you. Respect yourself and don’t do anything that doesn’t feel respectful towards yourself. Self love, self love, self love. And self pleasure! Why not? Be aware that intimacy is something to share with the right person, not just with anyone. Sharing intimacy on a casual basis can interfere with your energy in a negative way. Be aware that for women, we can fall in love with people who are wrong for us once we’ve been intimate with them.
If you choose to date, enjoy the process – if you don’t enjoy online dating, then don’t do it. There are many ways of getting to where you need to go. Find a way that offers the most enjoyment.Let go of the idea that you can only find love through a particular channel or that you have to try hard to find love, that you have to force, push or chase. Pablo Picasso said “I do not seek, I find.”
If you’ve had a history of abusive or toxic relationships, stay super-aware. Intense attraction and “fireworks” aren’t always in your best interests. Focus on values and character, as opposed to just personality or what you have in common. And take things slowly if you’re dating someone new.
Look out for red flags – look back on earlier relationships that didn’t work out. And then ask yourself “what were the red flags early on?” They’re the red flags you need to stay aware of now.
Stay present and trust your feelings – trust your intuition. Your intuition can be further developed through meditation. With regular meditation practice, you DO become more present, more aware and more intuitive, because you’re allowing your mind to become still and quiet. A still and quiet mind can process information far more efficiently than a mind that is busy and turbulent.
Accept that at times you may get disheartened – I hear many people say to me “I’m TIRED of being on my own.” When you feel like this, meet yourself with love and compassion. This is the time to hold yourself with love and be your own best friend. Don’t give up! The Universal Law of Divine Timing deems that things manifest in the timing of the Universe, not the timing of our ego. So often the things we want the most are the things we may have to wait for – but remember that the best things are always worth waiting for.
If you’re wanting a deeper understanding of relationships, you can read further in my blog The Ten Truths You Need to Know About Relationships.