10 truths that you need to know about every relationship in your life.
1.Every relationship you have is a mirror of you in some way. The positive and loving relationships and relationship circumstances are reflecting back to us where we are holding loving beliefs about ourselves and are functional, and the negative relationships and relationship circumstances are reflecting back to us something that isn’t of the light, that isn’t love, that is dysfunctional. Every difficult relationship you have is actually a healing opportunity for you. We all have the dark and the light within us. We all have “stuff” in our energy field that we may not be aware of. That’s why we sometimes need healers or counsellors or coaches to help us see what we cannot see. I’ve had plenty of help on this journey from others to help me see what I couldn’t see. I like what it says in a Course in Miracles – “Miracles are performed by those who can, for those who temporarily can’t.”
2.Our wounding attracts negative people and negative experiences Until we heal the wound, we will keep re-creating negative experiences that reflect back that wound. The ego wants to make it about the other person, but in every difficult relationship we must ask ourselves “What is it in me that is creating this experience?” Now, some people hear this as “she’s saying I’m to blame”. No. That’s the ego that thinks that someone is right and someone is wrong. It believes in the victim and the persecutor. No one is to blame. That person has made a contract with you to behave in a certain way so as to bring out something in you that must be healed. For example, I had a client recently who was having a very difficult time at work with her female boss. This woman constantly criticised her. When I asked her if it reminded her of anyone in her past, she said she realised she was re-living the difficult relationship she had with her mother. Her boss, on a soul level, was doing what she had to do FOR my client, not TO my client.
3. Unless we forgive our parents or early caregivers and those who wounded us in our early years, we will continue to attract people who will give us a similar experience to Mum, Dad or whoever it was who hurt us. And these people will trigger our wounded child over and over.
4.Mindful awareness is a necessary component in healing relationships and yourself. There is always a still space within us, and when we are connected to that still space within, we can interact with the movie show we call life, and not get entangled in it. It then becomes more enjoyable and every place we are is ideal. The scenery is moving but you are not moving inside. That still place inside you is the retreat. The centre of the wheel. When you are looking for yourself in the movie show – or in the other person – that is entanglement. When you are truly present, you become aware of you and how you are feeling in the present moment. In presence, you can slow things down and notice that there is always space – space to notice your emotions and when you’re triggered, and space to know that in any present moment you don’t have to react to the trigger. You can breathe, say the word “SPACE” in your mind’s eye and choose to respond in a sane and considered way.
5.People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And you don’t always know what it will be. And there is no point trying to force a relationship to be what you want it to be. You’ve got to let it be what it’s going to be. It’s our insecurity, our ego, that needs to control things.and needs to know “where do I stand?” You don’t need to demand that of anyone. They will eventually show you; life will eventually show you. I love Louise Hay’s affirmation “everything I need to know is shown to me.” Some people come into our life to teach us an important lesson, and then it may end. Some people show up so that we can learn boundaries or to be willing to understand more or to forgive. Some show up for us to learn how to let go and walk away. There are no accidents; everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
6.Forgiveness is key in every relationship. Unforgiveness will block your heart chakra, it will block love and it will block your good from fully coming to you. Louise Hay said that the person you find it hardest to forgive is the one you most need to forgive. Let me define forgiveness: Forgiveness isn’t condoning the other person’s behaviour, but forgiveness is acceptance of what happened and who the other person is.”God forgive them for they know not what they do”. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean staying in a relationship with that person or even maintaining contact. It’s about consciously letting go of the resentment and other toxic emotions that you are holding that only damage you, not the other person. It’s about letting go of self-righteousness and revenge, and finding peace. You choose to forgive for your own sake, not for theirs, but interestingly, when you forgive, you free up energy for divine karma to take place. This is the Universal Law of Forgiveness. So if someone has really hurt you, and you forgive them, it’s not uncommon to see that person suffer once you’ve forgiven them! Paradoxically, by the time this happens you no longer wish them ill because you’ve forgiven them! And you know you’ve forgiven someone when you no longer feel anger or any other negative emotion towards them. Pity perhaps, but that’s all.
7.No one can take advantage of you or hurt you or make you feel not good enough without your permission..Every relationship is 50/50. The “old paradigm” is very much aligned to the victim/persecutor archetypes. But you cannot have a persecutor unless someone, at some level, is willing to be a victim. Victims have poor boundaries; they were never taught boundaries. When we truly know ourselves, we know our values and won’t sacrifice them for anyone or anything, that’s what having boundaries means. We are all here to transcend the victim and the persecutor archetypes. For example, there’s a lot in the media about domestic violence and how bad these violent men are (and I’m not condoning their behaviour for one minute) but do we ever hear about what the background is of the woman who’s been abused. I will bet that she has abuse in her background or in her childhood, or somewhere in her family. If you have experienced abusive or disempowering relationships (and I have), then you need to take responsibility for your part in it. On the subconscious level you chose an abuser – why? Deep down did you or do you feel powerless and are you looking for power outside of yourself in the form of a lover? Are you lacking love for yourself and looking for it through the eyes of another?
8.The more you can love yourself, the more you can love others, and the more you attract genuine love to you. When you strengthen the relationship with yourself, and learn to be there for yourself, you will no longer betray yourself or abandon yourself. When we are rooted in our being, we have an absence of fear which creates FAITH AND TRUST. We don’t even need to trust another human being, because we trust in ourselves and we trust in life.
9.Relationships are constantly in flow – we are only ever on a positive spiral or a negative spiral in any relationship. It takes only one person to change the flow of the spiral. It’s very easy to get caught up in negativity, fear and lack. It starts with a negative thought about the other person – one negative thought attracts another and another – we start to build up a case against the other. What hope have they got? And once we’re in this negative spiral, you can be sure that the other person’s in it too. Negative fearful thinking has a very addictive energy but you have the power to change the spiral. AND it only takes one person, not two, to change that spiral.
10.If you want to get along with people, look for the good in them. No one is all bad, but if we’re constantly focusing on what’s bad about someone else, you can be sure they’ll start living up to it. In A Course in Miracles we are told “All that isn’t love isn’t real.” It’s just an illusion! Look for the good, identify with the good and you will see miracles.