We have heard it in songs, we have read about it in novels and, to some extent, we probably believe it – that love hurts, and that to fall in love is to also fall into pain. But it’s not the love that hurts us; it’s the fear of losing love. This is the double-edged sword of loving. The more strong our feelings for the other person and the more invested we become in a relationship, very often the greater our fear becomes of losing that person. Fear is the very opposite of love, and from the vibration of fear comes feelings, words and actions that are also the opposite of love – the negative emotions of jealousy or anger if we feel our relationship is threatened, the behaviours of control and manipulation so as to ensure the other person stays with us or acts in a way that doesn’t threaten us, or caretaking behaviours to ensure the other person becomes dependent upon us.
Relationships bring up in us the aspects of ourselves that need healing. If we have no sense of our own self worth, we will look for it from our partner, but partners have bad days and aren’t always going to affirm us! So often we put certain expectations on a relationship in the belief that it should look a certain way, or progress in a particular manner and when this doesn’t happen, we feel let down and disappointed, and respond in a way that is less than loving, and a desire to change the other person. However, to truly love, we must be willing to ALLOW A RELATIONSHIP TO BE WHAT IT IS GOING TO BE! If it’s not what you want, walk away. Do not waste energy struggling, fighting and trying to change what is, because this isn’t love.
Khalil Gibran describes beautifully what love is in The Prophet:
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
We are here to learn what love is and what love isn’t. Love doesn’t hurt. Fear hurts, and it brings with it the toxic emotions of anger, jealousy, abandonment, rejection and hatred and the destructive patterns of power and control, manipulation, caretaking/co-dependency, neediness and game-playing.
Moving away from fear and into love is a process. It takes PERSONAL AWARENESS – becoming conscious of when you are slipping into fear and exploring within yourself WHY you are slipping into fear. You will usually be able to locate the thought which stems from a negative belief. Examine the thought or the belief and ask yourself how true this really is. We create everything from our thoughts and beliefs! If the belief isn’t serving you, create a new belief!
For example, you find yourself feeling rejected and angry because your partner hasn’t called you in two days. Behind the feelings of anger and rejection, there is a thought. Perhaps the thought is “he doesn’t think I’m important enough to call me”. Now ask yourself “What do I have to believe to feel and think this way?”. You may be carrying a belief that you’re not important. Examine the belief – is this really true? You’ve probably been holding this belief for a long time and CREATING many scenarios that show you that you are not important enough. Change the belief! If you have incarnated on Earth, then you ARE important enough! Look at yourself in the mirror everyday and tell yourself you are important. As you begin to believe this, your energy changes and from this, your experiences change. Your partner may begin to call you more often OR he may continue to be the same and you realise that his treatment is not good enough for you now, and you choose to move on.
Notice that I have not suggested that you say to your partner “I’m upset because you didn’t call me”. This is because statements like these only MAGNIFY the belief that you’re not important enough and focus on the very thing you don’t want. It doesn’t inject love into the relationship, but neediness.
Never argue for your limitations! You are an expansive being of limitless potential to transform, to love and to be loved.
Learn to soothe yourself, and then ask yourself “What would love do now?. By focusing on love, and not fear, you can choose action that is in your highest good and the highest good of the relationship.