The loneliness of transformation

When we begin the journey of self-transformation, not only does the relationship with ourselves change; our relationships with other people and situations change as well . The people who we once resonated with may no longer interest us; what we want to put into our bodies may change and we may become more conscious of how we spend our time and whether or not it’s serving us. As a result, some relationships may become strained. We may try and work through those issues with partners or friends, but some people will exit our lives. Sometimes we need to let go of certain relationships, or a job we don’t want to work in anymore, and it takes great courage to walk away from the known into the unknown. In fact, it can feel like the very ground from under us has gone. It’s not uncommon during this period of letting go to feel as if you’re in a void. You’ve let go of what you’ve needed to let go of, but the new hasn’t come in yet. In short, personal transformation often involves loneliness. At times we may feel like it’s always going to be this way, but this is not usually the case. I believe that the experience of being alone is a necessary part of the journey, because it is only through being alone that we can focus on the relationship we have with ourselves.

If you’re feeling lonely, learn to accept it. Don’t try to fight it or fix it. Just allow the feeling to be there. Get to know it. Become aware of calling friends or going out to avoid the feeling of loneliness. Are you seeing them because you want to see them or are you seeing them because you are feeling lonely? When you learn to love your own company, you won’t ever be lonely! Our ego mind can convince us that painful feelings such as loneliness are life threatening, but they aren’t! They’re just feelings, and our feelings are not who we are. As you sit with the feeling, allow yourself to become friends with it. Send the feeling love. Notice any thoughts that come up. The ego mind will love to tell you how alone and unsupported you are, but that’s just a thought, and a thought is not who you are. You are so much more than the thought. I believe in doing this with any negative emotion – embrace it, feel it, get into it and send it love. That way you are not repressing the emotion or trying to push it away.

Some people may find themselves alone for a long time. The question is are they blocking love/friendship from coming into their lives on the subconscious level, or is this the way it’s meant to be? For some, they are unconsciously blocking a relationship or new friendships, and this is where they must examine their negative beliefs.

I’ll give you an example. Sarah underwent a spiritual transformation that resulted in the end of her marriage, because her husband refused to grow and they no longer had anything in common. She found a job that she loved and was promoted within the first year. For the first time in years she felt successful in her own right, but she also felt lonely and wanted a relationship. She had met men socially and through dating websites but she never felt anyone was right for her. During our session, I picked up a belief: “I can’t have a relationship and be successful”. Remember that whatever we believe becomes our reality. Sarah was avoiding going deeper with anyone she met because she believed, deep down, that it would sabotage her newly found career. So I did a process with her that negated that belief and we replaced it with “I can have a relationship and be successful”.

If we are holding fear around entering into a new relationship, the fear will sabotage what we want. Many of us have fears – fear of failure, fear of further pain, fear of abandonment. If you think you’re holding fear, write down all your fears, and each day say to yourself “I am willing to release and let go of these fears”.

Jenny came to see me because she felt she couldn’t find her spiritual match. Sometimes we can get so caught up in an image of who we’re supposed to be with or what it’s supposed to look like, that we miss the golden opportunities right in front of us.

Jenny told me that her house painter was a lovely man who she felt a connection with, but she couldn’t possibly go out with a house painter! Socially he was beneath her – even though they had wonderful conversations, shared similar values and he was the nicest guy she’d met in ages.

“Jenny, you’ve told me you want to meet your spiritual match, not your financial equal or your social equal or your career equal. That’s all ego stuff!”

The more present and in the now we are, the more open and receptive we are to the gift in the present moment.

So if you are feeling lonely, or hopeless about a future partnership or future connections, and want to bring your new life to you, here are a few simple steps to follow:

  1. Practise gratitude – for yourself, and all the positive aspects of your life.
  2. Practise acceptance of any present moment – if you’re feeling lonely, become friends with it and learn to be your own best friend.
  3. Feel love – for yourself, what you have, for the beauty of nature, art, your cat, whatever and whomever opens your heart. The more love you feel, the more love will be sent to you.
  4. Visualise regularly what it is you want until you are in the feeling state of it.

And remember, the more you fall in love with your own life just the way it is, the better it will get.